Eight things worth talking about before you marry
While wedding planning fills up with venues, invitations and furniture lists, the conversations that matter most are often postponed. Eight topics I suggest putting on the table before you marry, and how premarital counselling works.
In first sessions with engaged couples I often hear: "We've already talked about everything." After a few questions it usually turns out that most of what they discussed was the venue, the furniture and the honeymoon. Those matter too, but the topics that strain couples in the early years of marriage are usually the ones quietly assumed. The ones where someone thought, "No need to discuss this, they surely think the way I do."
Here are eight topics I suggest putting on the table before you marry. The aim is not to agree on everything; it is natural to differ on some. The aim is to discover the difference now, on a calm day, rather than in the middle of a crisis after the wedding.
1. Money
Many couples find money talk unromantic. Yet money is one of the most argued-about topics in the first years of marriage. Will incomes go into a joint account or stay separate? Who pays for what? Do savings come first or spending? Are there existing debts, loans or regular support given to family? Will you consult each other before spending above a certain amount? There is no single right answer, but if one of you grew up in a family where money was never discussed and the other in one where every lira was a joint decision, it helps to know that now.
2. Boundaries with family
In Turkey a marriage is often lived as the joining of two families, not just two people. That has a warm, supportive side, but when boundaries are not discussed the early years can get harder. Can parents drop by unannounced? How will holidays be shared? How much does living near family matter when choosing a home? When an elder offers an opinion about your marriage, who decides? One principle helps a great deal: each of you protects the boundary with your own family. Telling your partner's mother "We can't come this weekend" is your partner's job, not yours.
3. Housework and daily routine
"Who does the dishes?" looks small, but small feelings of unfairness add up over the years. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, shopping, repairs: list them and talk about who wants to take on what. Add the invisible work as well: remembering birthdays, booking doctor's appointments, keeping track of what has run out in the fridge. That is work too, and it usually falls on one person.
4. Wanting children
Whether you want children, and if so when and how many, is easy to postpone and hard to leave open. A gap between "right after the wedding" and "not for at least five years" can become a serious source of tension. You can also talk about what you want to repeat from your own childhood and what you do not, and how you would approach difficulties in having children.
5. Career and where to live
What happens if one of you is offered a job in another city or country? Whose career takes the lead in which period? Does one of you want to study further, change jobs or start a business? It is better to know in advance if one of you sees moving back to Istanbul as a firm plan while the other has never considered leaving Ankara.
6. How you argue
Every couple argues; what matters is how. When you argue, does one of you get louder while the other goes silent? How long does sulking last? Who usually makes up first? How were arguments handled in your families? Getting to know your way of arguing now is one of the most useful forms of preparation.
7. Religious and cultural practices
Even couples from similar backgrounds can have different habits around fasting, holiday visits, prayer, alcohol, food, and wedding or funeral customs. If you have children, what values would you like to pass on? Ask with curiosity rather than pressure. Difference alone is not the problem; the problem is a difference that was never discussed.
8. Expectations of closeness
Closeness is not only sex. It is time together, touch, attention, and respect for the need to be alone. One of you may want to do everything together in the evenings while the other needs some time alone. Expectations, shame or worries about sex are topics many couples marry without ever discussing. Choose a moment when you both feel at ease and talk about your own needs without blame.
How premarital counselling works
Some couples have these conversations easily on their own. Others start arguing the moment a topic comes up, or cannot open the hard ones at all. Premarital counselling offers a safe, structured space for them. You do not come to fix a problem but to know each other better and build common ground.
- Getting to know you. In the first meeting I listen to you, the story of your relationship and why you are coming now, and we choose the priority topics together.
- Topic-focused sessions. We work through the topics that matter to you, sometimes with short written questions, sometimes with questions you ask each other.
- Communication practice. We notice together what happens when you discuss a hard topic, and practise listening and slowing down.
- Closing. We summarise what you agreed on and what you want to revisit later.
The number of sessions varies from couple to couple, and we decide together. Sessions can be held at the office or online, which is practical for engaged couples living in different cities.
Two weeks before the wedding, when stress is at its peak, is not the ideal time. If possible, start soon after the engagement. It is not too late after the wedding either; many couples come with similar questions in their first year.
If you are wondering whether premarital counselling suits you, we can talk briefly in a free 15-minute initial call, and I can explain how the process works through your own questions.
